


Alone

by writeasoph



Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Depression, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-18
Updated: 2016-03-09
Packaged: 2018-05-21 12:19:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6051385
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writeasoph/pseuds/writeasoph
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I'm so alone. But he is like me at least, I think. Where is he?</p><p>After nearly getting run over by a car, you finally learn about who he is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Strangers

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry in advance about Jack ;( 
> 
> This is very depressing, I'm sorry
> 
> IM SO SORRY

Even though I lived with Clarisse, I still got lonely sometimes. I’m sure everyone does. Her 12-hour night shifts were the worse. I used to crawl up into a ball in the corner blasting really loud music until one day; I couldn’t stay in the house anymore. I had to breathe some fresh air. I thought maybe it would help. I didn’t live in the best part of Ireland, sure it was nice but half was rural and half was not. I lived just outside the main city which was not rough but wasn’t perfect. It was isolated just the right amount for crime really. Of course I heard things and Clarisse got mugged once but that was when we first moved here. That was 5 years ago.   
So after a night of crying and feeling sorry for myself, I decided to go for a walk. A breath of fresh air to renew my view on things. I wrapped myself up warm and headed out the door. It was still cold though, really cold. I didn’t turn back though; I just had to get out of the house. Eventually I found myself by a field, walking on an old dilapidated road. It had masses of potholes, which had been filled multiple times, but it was clear the gaps always returned. They reminded me of myself. No matter how many times someone tried to fix me, it was always temporary. There were no streetlamps here so it was pretty dark. I couldn’t even see my own hand in front of my face. The whole place was so eerie. On my left was a field that was saturated of water that looked like the only care it got was from the poor horses inside of it. On my right was a raised bank where the train line was that went straight into the heart of the city. The road that I was on carried straight towards the well-lit main road and before that was a turning to the left that went towards a large housing estate. 

 

As I debated whether or not to return home or keep walking, I spotted a man on the left road 100 metres or so ahead of me. He was stood up straight and completely still, looking up at the sky. Looking up myself, I saw masses of stars, pinpricks of light in the vast emptiness of the black sky. It was beautiful. I had never really realised how much you could really see here, thanks to the lack of streetlamps. I started to head towards the man, hoping to thank him for making me realise, but he had already started to head back. He made his way towards the estate but his perfect posture had changed. Having stood up perfectly proud before, he now walked as if something heavy was on his shoulders. He walked just like me. There was no way I could catch up with him, so I decided to grab as many details as I could from him, to have something to remember of him. It was dark but I still managed to get some things. He was fairly short and wore simple, casual clothes and a beanie. I didn’t see his face.  
I started to wonder about the man. Why was he alone? Surely he had friends or a girlfriend even to walk with him? It became a habit to come up with more and more questions.  
Simply seeing the man caused me to walk more often. I did it simply to have the chance to meet and share his company. But every time I saw him, he was starting to leave, or simply looked in a world of his own, untouchable. He clearly came out alone, to think. He didn’t want to be interrupted. He was always alone, just like me. When he left, he would always take the left road, I would always walk straight ahead since it circled back to my flat. 

 

After many weeks, it came to the point where the man had stopped appearing. I had started to walk every night, in hope of seeing him. I had related to the man, begun to care for him when I didn’t even know his name. He seemed to have his own troubles, just like me and we both ended up coming out here to think. During the week after his disappearance, I had become worse. Even Clarisse could see. The stress from work was becoming more and more, especially with my new boss. He hated my guts and made life hell. The walks had become less and less of a comfort as I didn’t see the man anymore. Clarisse was taking longer and longer shifts so that we could pay the rent. I saw less and less people, I became more and more alone. 

I still walked though. I had to find the man. Sure, if I explained he would think I was creepy as hell but I needed to see him. So when I didn’t see him, I felt nothing. What was the point anymore? No one cared, I barely saw anyone. Work was going to kill me eventually. Nothing made me happy. I was walking down the old road with no lights when I turned around to hear a car coming slowly towards me. They had forgotten to put their lamps on; they had probably just got in. If this car hit me now, what would happen? I would get time off work. That would be nice. Clarisse would probably take time off to take care of me. We could actually spend time together, rather than her going off with other friends and leaving me alone. I wouldn’t be alone. The car was coming closer and closer. I had a decision to make. Get hit or don’t. I made my way to the middle of the road. The car was speeding faster and faster, it was so close to the main road, where the limit would be higher and the road would be lit. I clenched my eyes shut, braced my whole body waiting for the impact. I waited but didn’t get what I was expecting. 

I felt hands on my side, and rather than falling backwards, I fell on my side, hitting my head on the pavement. I had gone across the road, rather than down it. How? My head was exploding, the left side throbbing insanely. Nothing made sense anymore. My hip hurt too but these all felt like the wrong injuries for getting hit by a car. What happened?   
“Oh my god, are you okay?”   
A face appeared in front of me. It was a man. The man. The only thing I registered was him before I blacked out. 

I woke up on a sofa, with a packet of ice of my forehead and on my hip. I didn’t know where I was. Suddenly, a man with bright blue hair walked into the room.   
“Oh hello. You’re awake.” He said smiling at me. His voice was low and full of care. Even though I didn’t know where I was, I felt safe.  
“Where am I? What happened?” I asked.   
“You’re safe. The man that saved you, he lives here with me. Apparently you were stood in front of a car when it was coming towards you so he pushed you out of the way so you didn’t get hit. My name is Mark. If you need anything, just ask.” He said. So the impact I had felt wasn’t the car, it was me hitting the other side of the road that the man had pushed me into.   
“H-he saved me? But why?”  
“Probably because Jack has the biggest conscience of all time and if he saw you get hit he would feel guilty for the rest of his life. That’s Jack, the nicest guy in the world.”  
Jack. That was his name.   
“Where is he?” I asked. Surely he wouldn’t have just left me here. No, Mark said he lives with him. I couldn’t think straight.  
“He’s recording. Don’t worry he’s nearly done. You can hear his outro from a mile away.” Mark chuckled.   
Recording? Recording what? I tried to move but was hit with even more pain from my throbbing hip. I winced, which made Mark concerned.  
“You okay? You want to move? Here, I’ll help.” As Mark headed over helping me sit up without too much pain, he walked in.   
“Mark! I thought I told you to interrupt me if she woke up!” Jack scolded. Mark simply rolled his eyes saying, “But it’s better this way. Now you don’t have a game paused forever and you can talk without having an unfinished video out there. I’m sure she didn’t mind.” He said looking at me. I simply nodded, it was fine I guess.  
“I’m going to make some drinks. Be back in a bit,” Mark said and walked off.  
I looked up at Jack. Now that he was up close and I could actually see him, I’ll admit, I stared. He was perfect. His figure was slim, but still masculine and his face was gorgeous and now that his beanie was gone, I became slightly distracted by his faded green hair. It suited him. As I finished staring, I looked up to see he was doing mostly the same thing.   
“What’s your name?” he asked.  
“Ace. You’re Jack aren’t you? Thanks for saving me,” I said. He nodded and I could see something was bugging him.   
“I’m guessing you want to know why I was stood in the middle of the road a few hours ago,” I said. He nodded again but this time with a touch of shame.   
“The past week, my life has gone to shit. My boss hates me. My best friend prefers going out with work mates rather than me. I’ve never felt so alone. I didn’t think anyone would miss me.” Well wasn’t that a shit excuse, I thought to myself. He’s going to think you’re crazy suicidal now.   
“But everyone would miss you,” he said. What?   
“No they wouldn’t. I have one friend and the only thing that kept me going before was – is-” I cut myself off. Now was not the time to freak him out even more.   
“Was what?” he asked. I looked down and started to fidget with my hands. I couldn’t look at him. “Hey, it’s fine. If you must know, I’ve been down the same path. I know what this is like. Mark is from America. He shouldn’t be here. He came about a week ago.”  
Oh. Oh! So that’s why Jack hadn’t been walking the past week. Mark had been here to comfort him. But from what?  
As if reading my mind he started, “My girlfriend left me a couple weeks ago and I wasn’t doing so well.” I could tell this was hard for him. It was always harder to explain it to people because that confirmed it was real.   
“Hey, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. I know how hard it is. Especially being alone.”  
He shook his head at me and lifted his sleeves. I gasped. There were words, carved into his skin. Useless, worthless I couldn’t look at any more. I shut my eyes but not before I saw the newest one. Unworthy.  
“I haven’t told Mark about any of this. My arms I mean.” He stumbled, putting his hand on the back of his neck. “I’m sorry if I freaked you out or-”  
“Jack. I’ve known you for what, minutes? You are not worthless. You are not useless. You saved my life from me being a stupid and selfish idiot.” I spat the words he had written. He looked at me, thankful.   
“Hey, um this is going to sound weird but here goes. I saw you one night, when I went out to clear my head. You were looking at the stars that I hadn’t even realised were there. Looking up myself, I calmed down. The sky was so- so beautiful. I was going to walk up and thank you but you left. From then on, I walked more and more and I would see you more and more often and I just admired you so much. But at the same time, I knew you were like me. It was in the way you stood, the way you walked away. I always wanted to come up and talk but I guess I was too shy. Then this week, you disappeared. You didn’t come out and I was alone on the streets as well as all the other times. Tonight, I tried to look for you again and I didn’t see you. I guess really, that’s what tipped me off.”  
I ended and waited for look on his face to appear that would tell me to leave. The look that said you are not wanted and you are just plain creepy. But it never came.   
Instead I felt arms wrap around me I put my head on his chest. Then I heard two words: I’m sorry.  
“What for?” I asked. “You haven’t done anything wrong,” I pulled away. There were tears streaming down his face. I wiped them away with my thumb.   
“I have 8 million people watching me online, Ace. And I let them all down. I let you down. Mark hasn’t made content for 4 days and he has 11 million. I am making Mark let people down. I am letting 8 million people down. And I nearly made you kill yourself. It’s my entire fault, Ace. All of it.”  
“No you’re not Jack! Everyone is allowed to have their own problems,” I said both of my hands on his shoulders. Mark knew more about this than I did.  
“Mark! Can you come here please,” I called. Mark came bounding into the room, but his happy mood disappeared in an instant as he saw Jack in tears.   
“Jack? What’s up? I thought you were getting better?” he eyed me suspiciously. “I’ll leave if you want me to. Thanks for saving me Jack I-”  
“No! Don’t go, please,” he begged. “I’m such a mess,” he muttered to himself.  
After a while, Mark and I managed to calm Jack down and Mark took him to bed.   
Then it was just Mark and I.  
“So what do you guys do exactly? Jack said something about 8 million people and 11 million?”  
“Jack and I are entertainers. We have accounts on YouTube where we play video games and we review them as such. Jack has 8 million subscribers and I have 11. That’s what he meant.”  
“Whoa. That’s a hell of a lot of people.”  
“Exactly. Which is why Jack is so worried. 4 months ago, the love of his life dumped him. His whole world fell apart. First, his videos dropped in quality massively. It was like watching a different person. Then he started filming without video, saying his camera broke. Everyone knew that was a lie, we could tell. Then he stopped uploading all together, which is when I knew I had to do something. So I flew over here. He wasn’t replying on social media and everyone was worried. I found him here in a corner. Just crying. He didn’t believe it was me when I first arrived. And it broke my heart in a way. Everyone on YouTube knows Jack as the loudest and happiest guys on the planet. To see him…broken like that.” Mark rubbed his forehead and looked down. I felt sorry for Mark.   
“Jack is so lucky to have someone like you. Who knew what he would be like if you hadn’t of come.” He looked at me with a shocked look plastered on his face.   
“I can’t believe I was too shy to talk to him. I’m such a coward.” I muttered to myself.   
“Hey. You’re not a coward. We all have our reasons.” He said. I nodded but he could tell I didn’t believe him.   
“I should probably head home. It’s been an emotional night and I’m exhausted.” I stated.   
“You should stay here. Go sleep in the other bed. I’m sure Jack would appreciate you staying. He seemed to…do a bit better with you here.” I thought about it. I didn’t even know where we were. I could be miles from home. In the end I gave up.  
“Thanks Mark. It means a lot.”   
As I made my way up the stairs, I realised how tired I actually was. I made my way into the spare bedroom and collapsed on the bed. It had been such a weird few hours. I had finally met the man to find out he was broken just like me. Which in a way was good because I finally had someone to relate to, someone who I could share my problems with just like he had shown me his. But it was also bad. I found myself half disappointed that I hadn’t found someone that could be my anchor, someone that I could rely on. But then I thought,   
Why couldn’t he be that person?


	2. Good Times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark and Jack help out Ace and things are looking good.

Waking up was strange. As I made my way out of bed I looked in the nearby mirror. God I was a mess but I didn’t have any of my things to sort it out. I didn’t even have my phone. So I made my way downstairs, regardless. Walking into the living room, I saw some bright blue floof, which meant Mark was here.

“Morning, Mark,” I yawned.

“Hey, Ace. Sleep well?” He asked.

“Yeah, I guess.” I said and I fell onto the sofa next to him. Suddenly, the whole atmosphere became awkward. It was weird without Jack being there because in a sense, he was the only reason we were both in his house. Then Mark started to speak.

“Hey. Um Ace I, I have to apologise,” he sighed, “Yesterday, I was so worried about Jack I didn’t pay any attention to you. Are you really okay? I mean,-“

“Mark, it’s fine. It’s perfectly normal for Jack to be you’re first priority and really it’s none of my business. I’m really only here because Jack wants me to be.”

“I want you here. You seem to really help Jack and well, I think the three of us could be really good friends.”

I smiled at him. He actually liked me. I had actually made friends. That did not happen very often.

“Thank you. It means a lot.”

“Anytime. Do you think Jack’s okay? I mean, yesterday what did he tell you?” Mark asked. Shit. Should I tell Mark about Jack’s arms? He should know, right? But at the same time, Jack hadn’t told him so why should I? Jack would be so mad. But, isn’t it the right thing to do?

“Mark. Sometime today, could you… look at Jack’s arms? And try not to make it look like I told you…” I whispered, looking down. He looked at me with denial, instantly knowing what I meant. Of course he didn’t believe it. How could Mark stay here for a week, and not notice? He looked at me for an explanation.

“They aren’t…lines either,” I said. Now there were tears in my eyes. Finally looking up I managed to mutter, “They’re words, Mark. Adjectives. I think you can imagine the rest. I had to tell you. I-I understand I don’t know him as well as you do, but I still care.”

“Look, I know Jack will be mad if he realises you told me, but it was the right thing to do-” Mark started. Then he saw something behind me and as I turn around, there he was. Shit.

“Jack it wasn’t her fault-”Mark started to defend me but Jack interrupted.

“I know.” Mark and I look at each other, shocked that he isn’t mad.

“I’m sorry Jack and I know it wasn’t my secret to tell-”

“Did I ever say not, to tell Mark?” I think about it. Actually, “No,” I said, thinking about it.

“Exactly. In a way, I was kind of hoping you would tell him. I’m too much of a wimp to admit it myself to him. You can look at them, if you want.” He said, leaning against the door. I sensed that the boys didn’t really want me there so I left. I had a job to do anyway. They didn’t even notice me leaving.

I left upstairs and went to the bathroom, looking for razors. While I was there I found an old padlock box, with a set of keys next to it. I could feel it was nearly empty so I opened it, hoping to put the blades in there. But they were already there. I could feel my heart beating louder and louder as I scoured the bathroom more and more searching for the tools. When I found one more, I put it in the box, locked it and pocketed the keys. Hopefully there weren’t any spares.

Skipping down the stairs, I met Mark at the bottom. There, I took the keys out of my pocket and jangled them in his face. We both giggled and I whispered to him what they were for. He nodded. We both knew it was for the best.

After Mark had cooked us all a magnificent breakfast, we sat in front on the TV in the lounge. The three of us were sat on the sofa with me on the middle. I was leaning on Mark slightly, but Jack had his whole head on my shoulder. It felt nice, to be close to someone after feeling so alone. I think he felt the same way. We had known each other for a day, but it felt like years. Then a thought popped into my head. Crap.

“Mark, what’s the time?” I asked.

“8:30, why?” he replied.

“Shit. I’ve got work starting at 10.” I felt like crying. Just to survive, I had to go in an office, do a ton of work I wasn’t passionate about and deal with verbal abuse from my boss. But I was not going to cry in front of them, I couldn’t. They were barely going to let me go now after last night, what was going to happen if I started sobbing? I took a deep breath and looked up to the ceiling, trying my hardest not to cry. I didn’t want to leave, not when I had just made such good friends and when Jack seemed so fragile. Once again, it was like Jack could read my mind, “Didn’t you say something about shit manager?” I looked at him, nodding.

“I work at Butler’s job centre, living hell on Earth,” I joked. I stood up and said something about getting my stuff from the bedroom, even though there was nothing there. It’s okay, I thought to myself. I can get through this. At least I have something to come back to instead of a lonely house and a lousy best friend. Coming down the stairs once more, I said my goodbyes. They could see I was upset; I was never good at hiding secrets. I was about to step outside the door when Jack said, “Are you sure you are fine to go? I don’t want to have to save you again,” He added that touch of humour at the end which stopped me from bursting into tears and jumping into his arms. “Yeah. Don’t worry about me, okay? I’ll be fine. I can survive 6 hours. Is it okay if I come back tonight? I like hanging with you guys. Maybe we could play some video games?”

“YOU LIKE VIDEO GAMES?” the boys said at the same time.

“You are definitely coming back then. I mean I wasn’t so sure before…” Mark said before Jack punched him lightly on the arm. “See you later, Ace.” Jack said.

“Bye,” I said weakly, letting myself out. Later would be fun. I just had to survive before then.

Walking down the street, I started to realise where I was. Jack’s house was the first on the housing estate near where Jack and I had been walking. He had been so close the whole time and I had never even known. That just made the past week even harder to think about. I started to think about Jack. I had stared at razors many times, thought about doing it, imagining doing it but I’d always been scared. I’m so glad I never did it and seeing Jack just made me sad. That could have been me. I was so close. He must have loved his girlfriend so much to do that to himself.

Having daydreamed the whole way to my flat; I let myself in to nearly be knocked over by a bear hug.

“Ace! What the hell is wrong with you? I came home early last night to spend time with you to find no Ace and that she didn’t have anything I could reach her with! I’ve been worried sick!” Wow. She actually cared.

“I’ve been out with – friends. And to be honest the way you’ve acted the past few weeks, I didn’t really think you cared.” She looked at me shocked. “Don’t look at me like that. I’ve been in a corner crying my eyes out the past week and you didn’t notice. I’ve been so alone Clary, you have no idea.” She put her hands on either side of my face.

“You’ve not been alone. I was here the whole time. I just didn’t see because I was so tired after working. You’re just going through a bad time, Ace. You will be fine I promise,” she said smiling at me, ”I’m sure you will bounce back. You always do! You were always the happy one anyway,” that reminded me of what Mark had said about Jack. I knew she was trying to cheer me up, trying to get me to brush it off but I couldn’t stop thinking about how Mark and Jack didn’t brush it off. They cared about me, much more than Clarisse did. “Is that why I tried to kill myself last night?” That wiped the grin off her face.

“You’re not serious are you? Is that what you called friends? Did you go to hospital? Oh my god, Ace I’m so sorry, I didn’t think it would be like that-”

“Save your breath Clarisse. I found some real friends last night, ones that actually care about me and pay me attention. Now I’m going to work so I won’t see you later. Bye.” I said, having gathered all necessities like my phone and purse. I slammed shut the door behind me. The last I saw of her that day was her sat on the bed looking ashamed of herself, which in my opinion she well should be.

Why are the people that try to please others, always the loneliest?

 

My face wet with tears, I climbed on the bus begging to God that I wouldn’t be late. That was the last thing I needed today. When I finally got in and sat at my desk there were no new applications to deal with. Weird. I looked inside my boss’s room as one of the walls was made of glass to see the last thing I expected. Giggling, I started to walk over to the office. I was happy but scared at the same time. In fact I was shocked as well. What the hell were they doing there?

Inside the office was my manager, sat at the desk his face turning redder every second. In front of the desk were two men practically shouting at him, one with blue hair and one with green. One of my co-workers Sally leaned towards me once she saw where I was going.

“They just waltzed in the place and started talking about standards. I haven’t seen them work here before though, how would they know how he treats us? Yesterday, he started yelling at me because I didn’t put enough sugar in his coffee,” she muttered. Sally and I were his favourite victims.

“They are my friends,” I said proudly. Suddenly, a familiar voice on the intercom was heard, “Would Ace Barker come to the office please.” Well, I thought, that was different from the normal, Barker! Hurry the fuck up!

As I walked in, I didn’t know how to act. The boys stood proud so I hoped everything had gone the way they planned. I needed the income from this job and it had taken many unnecessary months just to get accepted anywhere.

“Miss Barker. Apparently I have been very rude to you, which then caused you to become depressed. I am very sorry and I hope you give my greatest apology. As proof of my apology, I would like to give you 2 weeks of paid leave starting today. Do you accept?”

I was astonished. First there was an apology. Even that was out of the question! Then 2 weeks holiday and I still got paid? “Yes! I mean uh yes. I do I accept your apology.” With that I left the office to grab my things. I ran in between the desks, feeling like I was a child again. After gathering everything, I turned around to see Mark and Jack. I hugged Jack, actually nearly jumping his arms this time, snuggling my head into his neck. After a few seconds I raised my head and whispered, “Thank you!” I let go and he simply said, “No problem,”. I gave Mark a hug as well and we left the building. I was so happy, I was still grinning when we arrived at their house. I was still in my own little world when Mark interjected asked which video game I wanted to play. When I said Speedrunners he started laughing under his breath. I asked what was so funny but that only set him off even more. After giving up with Mark I asked Jack.

“Jack, why is Mark unable to stop laughing when I mentioned Speedrunners?”

“Oh that game. We have some very good memories of that game. Very funny,” Jack walked over to Mark trying to calm him down when Mark said, ”Remember…when Wade, went the wrong way!” and that just made both of them collapse on the floor like school children. They were adorable together. Then I had an idea. I reached over to Mark and touched his neck, for him to rebound and shout, “I’M NOT TICKLISH I PROMISE” causing me to laugh my head off as I chased Mark around the house. “Go chase Jack! He’s worse than me, trust me! Let’s get him together!” Rolling my eyes, I stopped tickling Mark and we started to hunt Jack together. We found him hiding behind the couch. God he was quick. I managed to grab his foot as he took off and he face planted to the ground, causing us to laugh our heads off. Mark recovered the fastest and pinned his arms above him. It was still impossible to tickle him though since his legs were flailing all over the place. Unfortunately, there was only one way to stop that. I moved over still giggling and sat on him. Yes, I will repeat that, I sat on him. Jack immediately stopped flailing and I swear I saw his cheeks go slightly pink but there wasn’t much time for that since I started tickling him again and Mark was right, he was much, much worse. We tickled Jack for what felt like hours, it was hilarious. In the end we had way too much fun and were once again exhausted. Mark offered the bed again and once again I gave in. I couldn’t face Clarisse again. I hadn’t told the boys about her. If they could scare my boss, I didn’t know what they would do to her.

Lying in the bed I begged for a dreamless sleep like last nights. I didn’t get what I wished for.

 

I was walking up to the house. It was pouring down with rain and I was soaked through. Shivering, I bashed on the door. When it creaked open, I realised it hadn’t been locked. What? I walked in an none of the lights were on. Mark wasn’t cooking like I had expected him to be. Instead, he was nowhere to be seen. Wandering through the house I started to call their names. “Mark? Jack? Where are you guys?” I found a note on the kitchen table.

Hi Ace  
I didn’t really enjoy staying here anymore. Jack is too demented and needs serious help. I can’t deal with him anymore.

What?! Mark and Jack were best friends, he would never say anything like that. Would he?

I’m going back to America. Don’t try and find me. I don’t like you either.  
You both deserve to die.

Mark

My heart felt like it had been smashed. What? I thought Mark had liked me he made me feel safe. He was the first person I had seen after Jack saved me. What was going on? This was horrible but if Mark had left and I felt like that, how was Jack?  
“Jack!” I called. Something must have happened. Oh god, I thought. I bounded up the stairs; Jack has to be fine, this can’t be happening! I walked into the bedroom and saw something I didn’t want to see. Something that should have killed me and in a way, it did.

Jack was on the bed. His arms on show for once, rather than covered up. Words scrawled up his arms.

Hated.

Disgusted.

Stupid.

I had to stop looking. Hated was still bleeding, the red blood contrasting with his pale skin. I ran to him and felt for a pulse. He had to still be alive, he had to be. I thought I had locked the razor box for God’s sake! Looking around I saw the box destroyed, ripped open in the middle where it shouldn’t have been. Jack had been desperate.

I didn’t feel a pulse.

I didn’t feel anything. My body went numb. I collapsed on the bed with Jack in my arms.

 

I woke up screaming, hyperventilating and I’m pretty sure I had a panic attack. After several seconds of screaming, Jack appeared at my doorway with Mark stood behind him. Somehow, Jack knew what to do. He calmed me down, wiping my tears and reminding me how to breathe. He was so gentle. Mark apparently had gone to the kitchen to get me some milk and cookies as he came towards me with the plate and glass. I was still trembling so Jack decided to try and feed me. It was funny but I couldn’t laugh.

After a while, I managed to get my breath back. There really was only one thing I wanted to say:

“Jack. Don’t you dare ever cut again, please,”. He put his forehead up against mine, which helped me breath a bit better, syncing myself with him.

“I won’t,”


	3. Visits from the Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack and Ace both get different visits from someone they aren't too keen to see.

I couldn’t go to sleep, not after that. I just ended up sat on the sofa circling the top of the glass with my finger that Mark had given me. I sat there for hours just thinking.   
Was I depressed? I was still happy when I was with the boys but when I was alone I wasn’t. Was I just being overdramatic? I could just imagine everyone thinking I didn’t have real problems and that I was just hunting for attention. Sometimes, it felt that way. That no one understood what was going on, what it really felt like. I was always bad at explaining. After hours of thinking, I still hadn’t come to the conclusion of whether or not I felt depressed. It was probably due my lack of education in the area. Finally stopping staring into space I looked at the time: 10:01. I could hear the boys talking upstairs so I decided to go join in, rather than mope about myself. If anyone could cheer me up, it would be those two.  
Heading up the stairs I caught whispers of their conversation,  
“What even happened Jack?”  
“She had a panic attack after a bad dream I guess. Though it must of included us,”  
“How do you know?”  
“First thing she did when her breathing was even right yet, was beg me to never cut again.”  
That stopped me in my tracks. Why didn’t they just ask me, rather than talk behind my back?  
“Oh god. When was the last time you checked up on her? I went about an hour ago,”  
Oh. I hadn’t even noticed them checking. Was I really that out of it?  
“About 20 minutes. Whatever she saw, god Mark it must of scared her shitless. I’m gonna go check on her again,”  
Despite hearing the conversation, I didn’t want them to know I had heard it, so I hurried back down the stairs and sat where I had been before. I barely made it back in time before Jack emerged from the bottom of the staircase.  
“Ace?” he asked. I turned my head towards him looked at him. “Oh thank god, you’re actually responding. Are you all right? Last night you gave us all quite a scare.”  
“Um, yeah I suppose. I’m so sorry for waking you guys up, I-I have bad nightmares sometimes. Okay a lot of the time.” I looked down, breaking the eye contact and started to fidget with my fingers again. I heard him coming towards me and sit next to me on the sofa.  
“Hey. It’s okay. We are always willing to help, especially a friend,” he said hugging me. God, I loved those hugs. He was always so warm and everything was just so perfect. I had to calm myself down in my head; it was only a hug, nothing more. Suddenly, he pulled away. The warmness left, I almost felt cold in contrast.  
“Mark and I are just wondering what you saw really,” he said cautiously. I could tell he wasn’t really keen on asking, he probably thought it would set me off again.   
“Well um, I was coming to visit. I came inside since the door was unlocked. There was no sign of either of you so I started looking around. In the kitchen there was a note from Mark saying he’d gotten tired of us and gone back to America and that we deserved to die. Then I went upstairs to find you and and you, you-” I cut myself off. I did not want to describe that. “You can imagine what I saw since you heard what I asked of you,”.  
I couldn’t help but notice that he had gone slightly pale. He simply nodded and said, “That was a shit dream you had there,” which made me giggle. He always seemed to know how to do that, like it was a trick that worked every time. “Yeah I guess,” I just said. Finally smiling, he stood up and moved in front of me, offering his hands to help me up. I gladly took them, giggling slightly more as he bowed once I was up. “Mark!” he called.  
“We are going out to lunch!”

Another few hours later, I found myself sitting opposite the boys in a small café. The interior was rather old: peeling wallpaper, leaky windows and mouldy corners. But the furniture was pleasant with new looking oak tables and chairs. The boys had ordered coffee and I had asked for tea.   
“Tea? How is that meant to keep you awake?” Jack asked me, joking around.  
“You do know chocolate bars have more caffeine than coffee, right?” I shot back.  
“Guys, chill,” Mark said, obviously not picking up the vibe.  
“Fine. What are we gonna do then? I’ve got 2 weeks off so I’m willing to do just about anything if you guys want to hang,” I said winking at them like I was a high schooler all over again.   
“Well Mark and I are figuring about working again starting today, but we will still hang out with you of course,” Jack said.  
“Oh,” I sighed. God if they turned out like Clarisse and just ignoring me for work, I didn’t know what I’d do. Worries started entering my mind again, little paranoia’s to mess with me. I had to think straight. I wasn’t going to let them interfere again. “How long do you guys normally work for?” I asked, hoping for very long answers.  
“Normally we work for 12 but there’s no way that’s gonna happen so probably about 8?” Mark said looking at Jack for approval.  
8 hours? I was going to be alone again wasn’t I? It was all I could think, the constant fear in my head non-stop. I felt my breathing deepen slightly and I knew I had to get away. I started to stand up to get some chocolate or something from the till, when Mark said something that interested me.  
“You know, you could always work with us. We do collabs all the time and it’s very easy to start your own channel. With shoutouts from Jack and I, you would start off with massive advantages.”  
“I could look into it. To be honest I have hardly any idea what you guys actually do apart from play video games.” I said. It sure would be good just to play video games all day. 12 hours sure did sound long but, if I enjoyed it why not?  
I excused myself to go buy something from the till to make it look like I was not inches from having a breakdown a few seconds ago. To not have to go in that office would be a dream. When I was little, I loved being on stage or performing. Hopefully, I still wouldn’t mind being the centre of attention on my channel. If I ever got one…  
The till was around the corner from where Mark and Jack had been sitting. The overall layout of the café was like an ‘L’ with the other part leading up to the living area. The entrance was right by the till and as I was waiting to be served, he walked in. Shit.  
To my right, Henry Rodgers had walked into the shop. I turned instantly, hoping that he hadn’t seen me. I was about to run back to Mark and Jack so that we could leave, but now it my turn to be served. Running would be suspicious and set him off so I tried to act normal. Tried. I was shaking as I handed my change to the cashier. As I turned to make my way back my friends, he saw me.   
Henry Rodgers was one of my very few ex-boyfriends. He had been so nice at first, caring for me even beating up some of the bullies that used to pick on me. I thought he was an angel until we went to his house after school. I thought his parents would be in so nothing could happen, not that I suspected anything, but I was wrong. So, so wrong.  
We were in the middle of a coffee shop. Surely he couldn’t do anything, right? Shutting my eyes, I tried to walk past him. I had been so happy a few seconds ago, how had it gone down the drain so fast? Unfortunately, avoiding eye contact with him simply didn’t work as he tripped me up on purpose. I couldn’t call out either, I didn’t want Mark or Jack hurt. I knew from experience how Henry could pack a punch. He would also know that I knew what was going on and who the hell knew what would happen then. He was always unpredictable.   
After tripping me up, he caught me. I had to think of something to do. If I wasted time, surely one of the boys would check that I was okay? Now he had his head next to my ear and was whispering, “Found you! I’ve missed you so much Ace! Why don’t you come home with me, huh?” Oh god no please no not again.   
“Um, no thanks. Please I’m happy here I can’t do that again,” I said, trying not to make him angry.  
“I don’t think you have a choice anymore,” he said. Shit. Shit. Shit. He was going to do it all over again, wasn’t he? Mark, Jack anytime now please!  
Finally, I heard a voice that I’d been waiting for.   
“Ace? Where are you going?” It was Jack. Thank god. Henry loosened his grip on me to seem less threatening, which resulted on him letting me go by accident. I kicked him in the stomach which resulted on him falling to the ground. Pausing a second to look at him, I took a deep breath and started sobbing. I felt a pair of arms cloak around me and I turned and started weeping into his shirt. He pushed me away slightly so that he could see my face and told me to go to Mark. I walked slowly to the other side to see Mark rush over to me and tell me to sit down. I tried to explain what had happened, but he just told me to concentrate on calming down. That man had scared me to death, actually having knocked me out a few times. I was glad that I had kicked him though. Pay back is a bitch.

 

After Jack dealing with Henry, which resulted in him being arrested, we went home. Well, I went to their home.   
I couldn’t help but notice that Jack had a bruised jaw on the way there. Henry had probably done that. That was my fault. Mark and Jack said they were going to start working again today. They changed their mind to look after me, no matter how much I told them not to. Of course, they didn’t listen. Why did they accept me so much? I had known them for about 3 days and they had done so much for me. Jack had saved my life, both of them had then saved me from the hell of work, comforted me from a nightmare and panic attack and Jack had then saved me from Henry. They had done too much. I had done nothing for me. I needed to give something back because I didn’t want to just freeload off these guys. I needed to go home and sort something out for them. God, I didn’t deserve them. It was about 15:00 when I told them I was going to leave. Well, I would of if there hadn’t of been a knock on the door.   
Jack and Mark looked at each other. By the looks of things, I’m guessing none of them were expecting a visitor. Jack started to head towards the door and when he looked through the window next to it he went the palest I’ve seen him. He stood so still, just there staring. I looked at Mark and he went to go comfort his friend whilst I went to go see who it was.   
Behind the door stood a short woman with medium length black hair in a ponytail. She wore a thick winter coat made of cheap looking coarse material. She had obviously seen Jack and whoever she was, she started shouting for him. Suddenly, it clicked.  
She was Jack’s ex-girlfriend. The one person that had made him this mess, the person who had stood on his heart and stamped on it several times. I felt myself fill with rage. There was no way I was going to let her worm her way back into Jack’s life, the pest she was. I opened the door but barged past her, making sure she couldn’t get at Jack.  
“Who the hell are you? I came to see my boyfriend not some slag!” she shouted at me, trying to ignore me.  
“There is no way I’m going to let you see him. You destroyed him. You must have seen the look on his face when he saw you, you stupid slut!” I knew it was a horrid insult but in the mood I was in, I was unstoppable.  
“I don’t care if he doesn’t want to see me, I need to see him. I love him and no bitch is going to stop me,” she said. I’d had enough so I moved towards her and slapped her. It was like I had plastered the shock on her face myself. “How dare you! Just because you want his money! He would never fall for a slut like you! He loves me!”  
“I’ve no idea how much money Jack has and I’m really not interested in falling for him. He’s my best friend along with Mark, and we have been there for each other the past week. You will never know what that was like because you were never there. You weren’t there when he needed you, and you left him. You are the reason why he is in this mess and I can’t stand to look at you. If you don’t leave right now, I swear I’m going to do something I’m going to regret,” I spat. I couldn’t believe how she was acting. She looked at me to tell if I was genuine or not, and seeming satisfied turned on her heel and fled. The bitch. I re-entered the house and saw Mark still comforting Jack as he sat on the sofa looking like he had recovered from sobbing too much. They both looked up at me, expecting something. Jack looked like he was ready to run and hide away, shrinking into Mark’s side. “Hey, hey it’s okay. She’s gone. I told her to leave,” I said hoping to comfort him. He seemed to relax slightly.   
“What did she do exactly?” I said, half regretting asking immediately. Mark looked at him, telling him he didn’t have to if he didn’t want to, for me. He shook his head.  
“We had a fight, she hit me a few times. Then she made something up about me cheating, which I didn’t do. Then she broke up with me. Even after that she started sending me messages on every social media I was on telling me how worthless, stupid and wasted I was. That meant I couldn’t do my job, which is based on media, without seeing her. So I stopped working. I love my job to pieces so when I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t sit still. Then the razors came out and I started going for walks.”   
“Oh, Jack. I’m sorry,” I said, walking up and touching his shoulder. That way, he knew I was there for him but didn’t need to break down in my arms.  
“I’m fucking over her. She’s a bitch who played me off just because I have some money. It’s just, when I saw her-” he cut off to start sobbing. I started to rub his shoulder now.   
“It all became real, didn’t it?” I asked. He replied with a nod. “You always know what I’m going to say, don’t you Ace?”  
“Yeah, I do.”


	4. Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some good finally happens.

After having the ex-girlfriend incident, I decided for once it would be better if I slept at home. So, I did.

“Don’t look so down! I’ll be back tomorrow, I promise.” Both the boys looked upset that I was leaving, it was weird. Bidding them goodbye I walked outside and back home. There was a light wind today. My parents always used to say the wind was hugging you, making sure you were safe. So when I walked home that day, I imagined the boys making sure I arrived home safely. It was a nice thought.

Clarisse was out when I got home. It was good because it meant I could crash without being asked useless questions. I should probably move out soon, I thought. But where? I still had no way near enough money to live on my own and at that moment I didn’t trust anyone enough but Mark and Jack. Then my head started to bang and I realised I really shouldn’t be thinking seriously when I was so tired and didn’t have any tea in my system. So I went to sleep, begging myself to not have a nightmare.

I didn’t have a nightmare but I did wake up at 4 AM, which to be honest was not much better. I knew I wasn’t going to get anymore sleep, so I decided to make myself that tea I had needed earlier. I was wide awake in minutes, sitting at the kitchen table thinking. I decided to check out Mark and Jack’s channels before realising I didn’t know what they were called. So, I just typed ‘Mark’ into the search bar and clicked on ‘Markiplier’ since it was the first result. Sure enough, there he was laughing his ass off at some indie game. After a few FNAF videos I decided to check out Jack. So, I did the same thing and the first result was ‘Jacksepticeye’. Slightly weirded out yet slightly intrigued I clicked and once again there he was. But it was different from the Jack I knew. This Jack was really loud and always happy. I looked up his last video to see a video called ‘WHAT DOG?’. It was hilarious, Jack just putting pictures of his friends through the website, apart from the disturbing thing that we couldn’t see him, there was no facecam. I looked down at the comments to see concern after concern.

 

“No way did Jack break his camera, something’s wrong!”

 

“Jack if something’s up just take a break dude! We love you so much just take it easy LIKE A BOSS!”

 

“Why does he sound so ill?”

 

It was nice to see that Jack had such a supportive community, that he had people out there for him. But it seemed like it hadn’t helped Jack like Mark had helped. I stopped watching the videos and started to drink my tea, which was cool enough. Now that I wasn’t listening to the videos though, I heard something else. Footsteps. They were not the light and clumsy ones I had become accustomed to whilst living with Clarisse though. They were a man’s.

Just like that, he walked in wearing nothing but boxers. I had no idea who he was, which I couldn’t decide was a good thing or not.

“Hey, sorry I didn’t mean to walk in on you like this. Clary said she didn’t know whether you’d be here or not,” he apologised. Clarisse had obviously forgotten the ‘No guys without warning’ rule. How convenient. He turned around, probably to go back to bed, when Clary skipped in. Were they even tired? She entered the room, hugging the guy, and then spotted I was there.

“What are you doing here?” she asked.

“Well I don’t know if you noticed but I live here. I do pay half the rent,” I shot back.

“You haven’t slept here in 2 days! I thought you’d have moved out or something,” she muttered.

“So it that your excuse for breaking the ‘No dudes without warning’ rule, huh? Cos it’s a pretty shit one,” I replied.

“It’s not my fault you weren’t answering your phone! Can’t you just leave us alone, you psycho! You’re just another bitch wanting attention!”

I was shattered. I thought she would understand how I felt, even if she was an idiot later. We had known each other for 6 years; I couldn’t believe she had the nerve to say something like that, especially to my face.

“Fine, I’ll fucking leave. Enjoy the sex, you slut.”

I went into my room and packed a few of my t-shirts and jeans with some pjs and make up. She wanted me gone, so I was going.

After finishing packing my bag, I started to leave only to be stopped by the woman herself.

“Ace, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have snapped and you’re not a psycho and-”

“I don’t fucking care anymore. You haven’t been there when I needed you so I’m not going to rely on you anymore. I’m leaving, just like you asked. I’ll text you when I want to pick up the rest of my stuff,” and I left.

 

It was only when I got outside the building when I realised I had no idea where I was going and that I had probably just lost my best friend. I was so stupid, stupid stupid! It was 4:47 AM according to my phone and I decided to text Jack. I knew they would be more than willing to let me stay there, they were just too nice. However, I didn’t want to wake them up again. So I simply texted him saying,

 

Tell me when ur awake :3

 

An of course, only Jack would reply within the half hour. I should have texted Mark.

 

I am now. What’s up?

 

I rolled my eyes. I should really have asked him why he was awake at this time, but it had just started to rain and my coat was right at the bottom of the bag.

 

I need somewhere to crash so is it okay if I come 2 urs now?

 

Course

 

Of course that would be Jack’s reaction. Sighing to myself, I started to walk in direction of the house. It was still dark and the rain didn’t help me get there any faster. Tonight, or this morning however you want to look at it, there was no wind which made me feel kind of lonely. I was hurrying now, I was pretty much soaked. I didn’t even have to knock, Jack just opened the door and pulled me in.

Unfortunately, since I was expecting that, it resulted with me falling on top of him. Super awkward. And then Mark walked in.

“Guys?” he looked down on us, trying not to laugh.

I was frozen and I had no idea why. I must have lied there for a while because Jack started waving his hand in front of my face when very gracefully I said, “Oh,” and got off the poor guy. I started stroking my long hair, which is what I normally do when I’m nervous and he started to get up. The whole house was silent. We all just kept looking at each other until slowly, smiles started to grow on Jack and I’s faces, having almost been caught of Mark’s. Then completely breaking the awkward silence we all started laughing at once. It only took a few seconds for our sides to start hurting, for the tears to start falling from happiness. It had been so weird but only the boys could change that into something good. They just laughed it off, rather than teasing Jack or me. It was just nice, being comfortable around someone. I could trust them with my life. In fact, I probably already had done with one of them.  
After finally calming down, I was quite tired. I had slept for about 5 hours previously, then had an argument, then laughed my ass off. Yeah, I was knackered.

“Is it okay if I go crash? I’m honestly exhausted. I-I’ll tell you what happened later,” I said, still breathless from giggling. They just waved me upstairs, still laughing. I shook my head, rolling my eyes at them and collapsed in the bed.

I woke up to the sounds of Jack shouting about seeing people in the next video. It was nice to know that he was getting some work done, just not so good that it woke me up. Looking at my phone that was still in my back pocket miraculously, I saw I had slept for another 4 hours. God, they spoiled me.

I got myself up to see my bag was in my room even though I hadn’t brought it up. Once again, little things that made me smile. They did things for me and it just made me feel like someone cared. Sifting through my bag I found some makeup and tried to make myself look pretty. Key word there is tried. I ended up with a little foundation and mascara. After that I made my way down the stairs to find Mark cooking again.

“Thanks for letting me sleep. You guys are such pushovers,” I giggled.

“You looked like you needed it,” he said obviously brushing off that he was a pushover. “I brought your bag up, did you see it? I talked to Jack and he said that if you needed somewhere to stay you’re free to stay here.”

“I saw it yes, thanks. Really? Oh thank god.” I sighed in relief. They were letting me stay.

“I came home last night and I woke up around 4ish. It was really early so I went to the kitchen quietly to make some tea since I knew I wasn’t going to sleep again. My best friend was there too but her one night stand walked in on me in the kitchen. Normally we warn each other when there’s a guy, for god’s sake. Then we got in some argument, and she called me a psycho looking for attention or something. So I left. I needed somewhere to stay and I texted Jack and he told me to come here. So, here I am.” There was a short pause as I composed myself. Mark didn’t interrupt, which I appreciated. I got the sense that he was a good listener.

“I know we’ve only known each other for, what 4 days? But I trust you guys more than I trust her and I’ve known her for 6 years. Thanks for accepting me so easily. You guys have done more than enough for me,” Mark nodded and was about to speak when I felt some arms snake around my waist and a chin on my shoulder. I knew it was Jack and it just made me giggle as always. Rolling my eyes I said,

“Hey, Jack. What’s up?”

“Nothing but we are going to take a walk to the beach. Would you like to come?” Still giggling, I replied with, “Yes Jack. Are we going now?”

“First we have to wait on Mark’s glorious cooking!” he shouted, making me jump. I slapped his shoulder playfully. “How come you never cook?” I asked Jack.

“Because I would very easily blow up the kitchen. I never really cook for myself. Too busy!” he said darting around the kitchen. Soon after, I found out that Mark had cooked lasagne, a personal favourite of mine. I tried to help out but that only resulting with Mark shouting for Jack who would drag me into the living room to play Mariokart. When I beat him, he pretended to sulk but he didn’t for long since Mark called us for dinner. It was delicious. I loved sitting and eating with the guys, with friends. When I had lived with Clarisse, we never ate together so I would always eat alone.

The boys had made me realise how much more enjoyable life is when you do it with others. Having people you love in your life mean something, even if they can be annoying sometimes. It pays in the long run to have other people’s perspective on matters and it pays to have people around that can make you laugh. Being happy is important, and it’s hard to be happy without people around you. I only realised whilst I was sat at the table with Mark and Jack. They meant so much to me, that they were there to take care of me and make me happy. I didn’t feel depressed from then on, because they were around and I knew that I could rely on them.

For the first time in a few weeks, I could relax knowing that I was safe, cared for and happy.

I was happy then.

 

After falling on top of Jack, I was really comfortable in having contact with the boys. I could punch their shoulders, hug them and hold hands as we walked.

In the end, we stayed until the sunset at the beach. We had spent a few hours building sandcastles to see them be destroyed by the tide. It was sad that all our work went to waste, but nothing good lasts forever.

We walked down the beach until we found a clear spot. There wasn’t much sand since we were in Ireland, but we found a big rock that we all sat on to watch the sun. We were all tired but it was so peaceful I didn’t think that anyone wanted to move. I was holding hands with both the boys since I was in the middle and I was resting my head on Jack’s shoulder and his head was leaning on mine. After a while I started to feel guilty about leaving Mark out though, so I sat up and we concentrated on the sun. It was beautiful.

The sun was a star, just like the ones that Jack had enticed me to look at that time before we knew each other, except it was closer and keeping us alive. The yolk coloured star that kept us going, made us feel warm. I could feel its heat on my skin, pouring over every inch. The perfect temperature radiating and making me feel safe. It was heavenly. I couldn’t stop thinking that at that moment, there was nowhere else I would rather be. Just sat on the beach with my best friends in front of the sun was most perfect moment. The perfect time. Nothing could touch us, we were all so happy. Nothing cold hurt us. It was a feeling of invincibility.

 

If only I had known how wrong I was.


	5. Shock

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone gets shot.  
> Someone goes home.  
> Someone is left, all alone.

After the sunset, we left to go to get some takeout food, since none of us could be bothered cooking in this mood. We were happy, joking around as we walked down the pavement. I decided to stay outside the shop, as I didn’t appreciate the smell and the strong odour of cooking oil. As the boys ordered our meals, I got a strange feeling. It was hard to describe but it was like I could tell something was going to go wrong. Something was going to happen and that was the last thing I wanted. It was a horrid sense of foreboding. For once I was happy, so I was going to let my mood be ruined so easily. Therefore, as the boys left the shop I told them to hurry. I received strange looks of the pair, but they seemed to trust me so we walked faster, weaving through the thick crowds of people that had decided to have a night out. My paranoia was getting the better of me and all I wanted to do was get home safe. Every few seconds I would lose sight of one the boys and I would panic that I had lost them. They would always reassure me they were fine afterwards.

It was that day when I developed my fear of crowds. I hate them. They restrict movement, breathing and even just personal space. All I could see were people; I couldn’t see where the pavement ended or where the buildings were. Next time I saw Mark, I grabbed him to make sure I wouldn’t lose him or be on my own. My breathing had quickened and I needed to calm down. Now all we needed was to find Jack, he had to be here somewhere. I scanned the people surrounding us, searching frantically. I needed to know where he was.

Then I saw him and I almost wish I hadn’t. Up ahead of us was an alleyway and in it was a man with lime green hair. I started to run, pushing through the people but I couldn’t get through. What was he doing there? I looked back at him to see someone standing next to him. I tried to move past the people again, shouting now, “Move! Move!”. No one understood me though, no one knew how much I needed to get to him. I glanced up again. Oh god no, I thought.

 

I saw a gun, the tip of the barrel of Jack’s forehead.

Everything else happened so quickly. I somehow managed to get through the crowd. I ran towards Jack. Jack, I have to save Jack, was all I could think. As I reached the pair, I saw whoever was holding the gun take off the safety and Jack scrunching up his eyes. He was getting ready to die.

There was no way I was going to let that happen. I finally reached the stranger and launched all of my body weight into him, resulting in both of us crashing to the ground. I had to get the gun off of him, had to make sure we were safe. I could feel his strong grip as I tried to pry his fingers off the gun. In the end, I couldn’t get his fingers off it, and he hit me in my left temple with the hilt. Dizzy and disorientated, I still had Jack in my mind. I no longer had any self-preservation, he was all I needed. I looked towards the man, who to me looked like he was flying all over the place, and saw he was still aiming at Jack. Why hadn’t he run? Surely, he had had the chance? Once again I saw the man remove the safety and prepare to pull the trigger. I was still on my knees but once again I pushed all my body weight into his legs. But I was too late. The man had pulled the trigger. This time I grabbed the gun off him and hit him in the head with the hilt, just like he had done to me. Instead, I did it again and again and again, until he was finally unconscious. Then my thoughts turned to Jack as the threat was gone temporarily. Please let him live, please. I turned and crawled towards him to see him sprawled on the floor. He was breathing heavily, and I checked him over to see where he had been hit.

His left thigh was covered in blood. The thick, red liquid was coursing out continuously. I hated it. I took off my hoodie that I had been wearing and folded it and put pressure on the wound. The contact caused him to scream in pain. I would do anything to be in his place. He didn’t deserve this. After all the things he had saved me from, why did this happen to him? Mark finally caught up to us and I didn’t look at him.

“What happened?” he asked, shocked at what he saw.

“Does it fucking matter, Mark? Do something! Call an ambulance, anything!” I shouted. I knew it was harsh but Jack was not going to last long with all this blood loss. My hands were shaking now as I refolded the hoodie for a part that wasn’t soaked in his blood. He screamed again as I replaced it. I could hear Mark on his phone behind me, but I didn’t understand any of it. It was like trying to read a book and ending up reading the same page 10 times because it just didn’t go in. I could hear the sirens blaring now, they were close.

“You’re gonna make it Jack, okay? Everything’s going to be fine,” I said. “They are nearly here, okay?” I gave up trying to be cheerful after a while. “Please Jack, please don’t go. I need you here,” I whispered. My head was burning and nothing seemed right anymore. He must have bashed me in the wrong place since I started feeling nauseous. Suddenly, Jack grabbed my hand and squeezed it hard. “Everything’s going to be fine, Ace. I’ll always be here with you, okay?” he said. Then the ambulance arrived. They took him away on a stretcher, away from me. I screamed for him. That was the last thing I remember before I passed out.

 

When I woke up I didn’t know where I was. Before I opened my eyes I could feel someone holding my hand. Where was I? Finally opening my eyes, I instantly knew where. Hospital. I looked to my left to see it was Mark holding my hand. If Mark was here where was Jack? Jack. I looked at him with panic in my eyes and he knew instantly what I was thinking.

“Jack is…fine. You can see him later. I’m sat with you because they told me you would wake up and probably panic.” He explained. I turned onto my back and looked up. “What happened?” I asked. My memory was still patchy at the time. “Well Jack was being held at gunpoint. As to why only he can answer that. Then whilst we were in the crowd, you saw him and ran after him. I just turned around and you were gone. It took me a few minutes to find you and when you did there was a passed out guy and Jack had been shot. You were putting pressure on it. They said that if you hadn’t it wouldn’t have made it. You have a concussion from being hit in the head by something.” I saved Jack. Thank god. Mark would have been to slow to get there. I sighed out in relief, but Mark still looked uncomfortable.

“Mark? What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I…have to go back to America. Today. My mum is really unwell and the whole family has to be there,”

Mark is leaving? I tried not to but I started to cry.

“It’s so unfair. It’s okay, Mark. I understand. You have to go. I-I’ll look after Jack. Have you told him?” I asked. He shook his head. Great, that meant I would have to tell him. If I was crying, what would Jack do?

“I’m going to have to go and pack unfortunately. Just to let you know, I told them you were Jack’s girlfriend. They wouldn’t let me see him because I’m not family. So hopefully they will let you through.” Only family? Jack’s girlfriend? I hate hospitals. I hate everything. Why did this have to happen to us?

Mark hugged me goodbye and told me that we would stay in touch. After he left the nurse greeted me and performed several tests to make sure I had recovered from my concussion. Then I asked her what ward Jack was in. She took me there.

I didn’t expect to find him in a coma.

I saw him there with the IV line stuck in his arm, breathing tubes down his throat. He’d only been shot in the leg, why is he in a coma? Mark hadn’t even bothered telling me. I nearly collapsed on the spot.

“What happened to him?” I asked, my voice wavering.

“He got shot and we had to operate to remove the bullet shards. He was in theatre for 6 hours. That complicated…some things. The doctors had to sedate him a second time since the operation took longer than expected. A few patients react badly to this treatment. I’m sorry but Mr Mcloughlin is one of them.” She explained.

I started to cry again. My friends were gone. I was all alone again. “Can I see him?” I asked.

“Well since you are his girlfriend yes. Would you like some tea or anything?” I declined, all I wanted was to sit with him. I knew that that was all I could do.

I sat down in the chair next to him, trying to stop myself from sobbing. I became accustomed to the room. It was plain white with a blue border halfway up the wall. The room was private so it was just Jack’s bed, positioned in the middle at the end of the room. There was a chair beside him and a little table. On the other side of the bed were his heart monitor and drip. Sometimes they can still hear you, right? It was always like that in the movies, that the people were secretly fighting to wake up and just needed that special thing to set them off.

“Hey, Jack,” I said, “It’s Ace. I-I had a concussion from when that guy hit me but I’m okay now,” I explained. I looked at his hand that was nearest to me and held it.

“I miss you. I’m sorry I didn’t get to you sooner,” I was squeezing his hand now.

“You’ve done so much for me Jack. You saved my life. You helped me with my job. You saved me again from fucking Henry Rodgers. You even let me move in. It’s not even been 2 weeks and you’ve done so much. The world doesn’t deserve someone like you. You are the kindest person I have ever known. Not only do I think it, but I bet Mark does. I bet your 8 million fans do. I don’t know why you’re here, in bed, in this hospital. You really shouldn’t be. I tried my best to save you and it wasn’t good enough. I should of tried harder. Why didn’t you run when you had the chance, Jack? Why?”

I had become used to the general beeping of Jack’s heartbeat in a matter of seconds, so when it sped up I knew something had happened. “Jack? Can you hear me?” I chuckled.

Then the nurse walked in. “What happened? Our machines picked up that his heart rate increased,” she asked.

“I-I was talking to him and it, it was like he reacted. He didn’t move or anything but it was his pulse.”

She laughed a little at my answer. “Funny, isn’t it? Our loved ones always find a way to break through. Keep talking; it’s probably what’s keeping him going. It’s true that sometimes they can hear you,” she winked at me and left the room.

I visited Jack everyday, not wasting a single second of visiting hours. I saw the nurse everyday and we became quite friendly and she would always check up on me to make sure I was taking care of myself. Jack’s state never changed from the first time I visited him. I did keep in touch with Mark. It had been about 4 days since I found out Jack was in a coma and I was sat beside him again.

“Mark called me today. He said his mother is making a recovery and that he’s going to harvest some videos and then he’s going to visit again! How good is that?” I said squeezing his hand as usual.

“He also said that when he comes back he’s going to bring some of your friends with him. They’re called Bob, Wade and Ken. Mark also gave me Felix’s number and he said he’s coming too. All your friends are coming Jack. They care so much. We all do. Please wake up.” My head hung low and I started crying again. I did it a lot those few days. Then I felt it. I was squeezing his hand like I always did and then it happened.

 

He squeezed back. His heart rate went up.

 

The nurse raced in and I told her straight away. She smiled. “Shouldn’t be too long now. He just needs that final push,”. She was hinting at a kiss. I needed to tell her. “I’m not actually his girlfriend. I know I broke the rules but-”

“Do you love him?” she asked, it being the one thing she cared about. Did I? I had sat with him for days, only caring about him. I had saved his life and he had saved mine. Did I love him? Jack’s heartbeat rose again, almost waiting for my answer. “Can I answer this outside?” I said. She nodded and we went outside the room. I didn’t want Jack to hear me, even if he was in a coma.

We were outside but I still didn’t have an answer. I thought about everything he had done for me. I appreciated it massively and admired him greatly for everything, but did I love him? I couldn’t stop asking myself until the nurse answered for me.

“You do. No one stays cooped in a room for that long without love. I see it everyday. You are the only one here for him, love. You are the one making the changes for him. He wouldn’t react for no one.”

“Are you saying he loves me too?” I asked. Had it been obvious? She stood there with the biggest grin on her face. “You said ‘too’. You love him ‘too’,”

I did love him. I loved him to the moon and back. I hadn’t even noticed. But the big question was, did he love me too? I couldn’t just kiss him, if he didn’t feel anything how weird would that be?

I moved to sit with him again. He could hear me, so I would talk.

“Hey Jack, I’m back. I still miss you. I wish you would wake up. My mind keeps wandering back to when I first saw you. It was so dark and I was so alone, all I wanted was for change, something to keep me interested in life. It was just a one off walk. I wasn’t going to go again, not until I saw you. All I saw was a figure. A short guy who was wearing a beanie and staring at the sky. I looked up to see what you found was so interesting and I saw stars. So many stars, Jack. I had never even noticed them before. They were so bright. They do so much for us even though they are so far away. Just like you did. I tried to thank you, I really did. But you walked away. I walked night, after night, trying to catch another glimpse. When I did, it was like a hit. In a way, you were like a drug for me. You were someone that I could relate to, someone like me. I was so alone and it felt so good to just know I wasn’t suffering on my own. I know you never saw me but it didn’t bother me. Just the sight of you put hope in my heart. It all sounds so silly now. I’m glad you saved me that night. That you were there when I really needed you. Maybe that’s why I fell in love with you,” I chuckled to myself. “Your friends are all coming to visit tomorrow. They are all arriving tonight and they are going to stay in the house. I know you would be disappointed that you’re missing the massive slumber party but know you’ll be in our thoughts, Jack. I love you.”

I untangled our hands and gathered my things. There was no reaction from him. I walked out the room disappointed and said goodbye to the nurse. I had to prepare for the group.


	6. Waiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Waiting for Jack to wake up is hard, when you know it might never happen.

Living alone for the past week hadn’t been easy. Everywhere I looked I saw where Jack would be goofing around or where Mark would be lounging around. I had spent all my free time in cleaning and trying not to make a mess in preparation for everyone’s visit. I was kind of nervous, I had never met these people before but they couldn’t be that bad if Jack friends with them, right?

 

The first knock on the door was at 19:00 and I opened it to see a medium height man with blonde hair and blue eyes.

“Ace? It’s Felix,” he explained. I had never seen Felix in real life before but I had seen some of his Pewdiepie videos. We had been talking briefly over the past few days after Mark had shared our contact details.

“Hey, come in. No one else is here yet. How was your flight?” I asked.

“It was alright. How is Jack today?” He asked.

The thought put a smile on my face, “He squeezed my hand today and his heart rate went up again,” I said gladly.

“That’s great!” He said sitting on the sofa. “Have you fallen for him yet?” He said winking at me. What?

“What? Um-” I exclaimed. Wow, I messed that up didn’t I?

“You so have haven’t you! Alright, alright, alright! The ship will sail!”

“You and your shipping Felix. Fine yes I like him. I-I told him today but I didn’t get a reaction or anything,” I said sadly.

“Hey! I’m sure he loves you too! He probably was just exhausted from squeezing your hand who knows what it took for him to do that!” I nodded. Felix was probably right. I was about to ask about Marzia when the door went again.

I opened the door to see Mark with two guys behind him. Before I even had a chance to say hello he lifted me up and spinned me around. “Mark!” I shouted, giggling my head off. He put me down and we both had to lean on the wall to stop falling over. They came inside and Felix greeted his old friends. It became rather busy quickly and the house was no longer quiet. Mark showed the others where they would be sleeping and then excused himself to talk to me, alone.

“How you dealing Ace? What’s the situation on…Jack?” he asked.

“I’m fine, honestly. Jack, he reacted again today. I felt him squeeze my hand. It was great,” I laughed.

Relief washed over his face, it was nice to see him happy. He had seemed so sad when he told me he was leaving. “Thank god. Does that count as recovery?”

“The nurse said that it normally means that they could wake up soon. They just need the right push from us. He can hear us, that’s why I think it’s such a good idea to get all his friends here,” I explained. Then I remembered that Mark still didn’t know that I fancied Jack.

“Um, Mark? I…kind of realised something the past few days,” I started. How would Mark react? He knew Jack better than anyone. What if he knew Jack didn’t like me back? I started getting nervous again. What if he got protective?

“What’s that?” he asked.

“I’m in love with him. Jack. I love him.” I blurted out.

He looked at me with joy on his face, “FINALLY! I thought it was never gonna happen. You took your time! I totally shipped it since you fell on top of him.” He shouted.

I was gobsmacked. Mark wanted us together? This was amazing! “I’m guessing he can’t hear everything but I did mention it today before I said goodbye. There wasn’t a reaction or anything so I have no idea what he feels like. Do you?” I asked.

“I have no idea if I’m honest. I mean, I teased him when you weren’t there but he never showed a definite reaction or anything like that.”

I was slightly disappointed. I had secretly hoped that he had confessed something to him but I guessed not. Seeing my reaction, he told me that it was pretty late and that we should start getting to bed.

That night I lay down on my bed and stared up at the ceiling. I tried imagining looking at the stars but they weren’t there. It was a ceiling for god’s sake.

 

So I decided to go for a walk.

I barely noticed the walk; I just looked up to the sky waiting to get to the area where the lights didn’t fog up the sky. Eventually, I arrived there.

It was the place were I had always seen Jack stand.

They looked dimmer tonight. I wished. I knew it was silly but I did it anyway. I was searching the sky for shooting stars, meteors of any kind. I didn’t find any so I started anyway.

 

Let Jack wake up.

 

It was the one thing I wanted.

 

Just let him wake up healthy and happy. Let the world have the old Jack back, the silly and hyper Jack. The one that brightens up the world. The star Jack. That bright, bright star that brings so much to more than 8 million people, that so many appreciate. He may have thought that he was alone, but that was never the case. He always had us.

Right now, he’s in hospital and he doesn’t deserve to be there. He needs to wake up. I need him to wake up. I love him so much. I can’t stop thinking about him and I would do anything for him to wake up. Anything.

 

Please wake up Jack.

 

At this point there were tears down my face and I had no idea who I was talking to. I just didn’t know what I would do if he left if he died at that point. I probably would have committed suicide, this time with no one to save or stop me.

With these thoughts in my head I sat down on the damp, soggy ground. This was where Jack normally cleared my mind, cheered me up but he couldn’t here. I must have sat there for hours before Mark found me. He comforted me and took me back into the house but I was pretty sure I saw a shooting star before we got in. I wished again.

I forgot sometimes that Mark was my best friend too. I felt guilty. Lately I had just been so worried about Jack. In this one night, I had let everything get to me at once.

I didn’t sleep that night.

 

Next it was time to visit Jack. I got up out of bed and looked at myself in the mirror. The morning sun was reflecting brightly but I could still see my wretched figure. I had accidentally lost a few pounds whilst Jack had gone under. Eating wasn’t important. Loving Jack and taking care of him was. I looked closer at my face. I had some bags under my eyes, probably due to my lack of sleep but those were better than nightmares of Jack dying.

As there were so many of us, we decided to fork out for a taxi rather than taking the bus to the hospital as I always had.

There he was. Lying in the bed as always. I sat in the chair and held his hand.

“Hey Jack. It’s Ace again but this time I’m not alone.” I signalled for the guys to announce that they were here.

“Hey dude! It’s Mark, I’m sorry I had to go but I’m here now.”

“Hi Jackaboy it’s Felix. I came all the way from Brighton just for you! Maybe I do like you after all…”

“Hi Jack it’s Bob. We’re all waiting for you to wake up buddy.”

“Hey Jack it’s Wade. I’m missing you making fun of me, where you been?”

“Hey Jack, Ken here. We miss all miss so much.”

 

No reaction.

 

I looked around awkwardly. I had hoped one of his friends would wake him. Then suddenly, everyone looked at me. What was I meant to say? I had sat here for a week or so and he hadn’t woken up. I was useless. I guess I would try anyway.

“They all came from around the world just for you Jack. You’re so special and you please so many people. You do so much for the world and, y-you don’t deserve to be here,” I felt the tears enter my eyes at that point. I felt Mark’s hand on my back. It was comforting but pushing me to go on.

“I would easily have taken that bullet for you Jack. I even tried. But I didn’t try hard enough. I’m sorry. I-I love you so much.” My head hung low again.

“Please wake up. If not for me, for the rest of your friends that spent so much money to come see you. If not for them, for your fans. They need you so much and I don’t know what they would do if, if-” I couldn’t say those words in front of him.

“I don’t know what I’d do either. I’d be so lost. Well, actually you probably know exactly what I’d do. You’d hate me for it.” I purposely avoided the others gaze at that point. Only Mark would understand that.

A few days prior I had found out Jack’s real name by watching an old ‘Reading Your Comments’ and asking Mark. It had blown my mind really. It was strange to think he had 2 names in a sense.

 

“I love you Sean,” I said softly.

 

I think I heard a few of the gang “aww” behind me but that was before the machines went off. The heart rate monitor almost alarmed, his blood pressure rose, as did some other figures. It was like he suddenly received a rush of adrenaline.

The nurse burst into the room, “What did you say?” She asked eagerly.

“I said I loved him,” I said confused. I had said it before but there was no reaction last time.

“She said his real name,” Mark interrupted. “That’s why something happened,”

I stared at Jack. Come on, I thought. You’re so close.

The nurse smiled and started to edit the machines settings. Then she gave me a look. An encouraging look. A Come on! look.

“Maybe you should…kiss him,” Felix said. They all looked at me again. What? Really? I could tell they were serious too. I sighed out. If it woke Jack up, why not?

I stood up, making my way out of the chair and stood next to him. The nurse removed his breathing tubes. They were just for emergencies anyway. The whole room was silent apart from the constant beeping of the heart monitor. All of his statistics had gone back to normal.

Still not letting go of his hand, I leaned down over him and shut my eyes and kissed his lips. I held it there for a few seconds before moving away. I realised that I had wanted to do it for so long and now that I had done it I wanted to do it again. I loved this man in front on me and I wanted him to know it.

The whole room was tense. Everyone wanted this to work so badly. Jack just needed to wake up.

 

No reaction.

 

I sat back in my chair and put my head against his side. I was weeping now and Mark was comforting me again as well as the others.

It was supposed to work, it was supposed to bring him back. How stupid had I been? It was just a kiss and he was in a freaking coma. How was that supposed to work? I had made a fool of myself completely. The each tear stung, reminding me of how he might never wake up, of how useless I was. Of course I didn’t deserve him. Maybe that was why he didn’t wake up. He just didn’t love me back. Why would he? Why would he love a messed up person like me?

During these thoughts I didn’t hear the exclamations of shock or the intakes of breath from the others.

 

 

“I love you so fucking much Sean,” I spluttered out between my ragged breaths.

 

 

“I love you too, Ace. Now can you stop crying on me?”


	7. Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Look who's decided to wake up.  
> They couldn't be happier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If some bits are weird and you can't tell what's going on, it's probably meant to be in italics.
> 
> I don't have time to put it back in, sorry! There is a short dream in this, so keep that in mind.

I looked up in shock. Had it really worked? Was he awake?

Staring at his face, I still wasn’t sure it was real. I looked at the others and they all shared the same shock that I felt so I guessed I wasn’t dreaming. I laughed to myself still crying. I stared at him. His eyes were open for the first time in over a week, his hands clutching on of mine. He was pale as always but that only made his eyes stand out more. Today there were a brilliant blue, like how the sea contrasted with white sands in the Maldives.

“Jack!” It was a miracle. Ken went to go fetch the nurse. She rushed in muttering to herself, “I told you so, I told you so…” staring at me the whole time.

“Mr Mcloughlin you’re awake! I suppose I should explain. You were found in an alleyway with this young lady next to you and you were shot in your leg. You were brought here to hospital where we performed surgery to remove the shards from your leg. Unfortunately, there were several complications and you fell into a coma. You’ve been asleep the past week.” She turned to the rest of us, “I’m going to have to perform some tests now, so it would be best if I was left here on my own with Mr Mcloughlin.” We were in a daze. It had actually worked. The love of my life was awake. As soon as we got out Mark said it.

“Ace, you did it. You woke him up!”

“I know. Oh my god… It was Felix’s idea though,”

The others started to congratulate me, with Felix obviously saying he was the cure, but I was still out of it. At one point I was tripping over my own feet and Mark had to catch me so I didn’t fall over. Was this even real?

After a while of waiting which felt like forever, the nurse re-entered.

“Okay, he seems pretty good. All his signs are normal he remembers a lot and he just needs to be questioned by the police about what happened and then he will be allowed visitors, one at a time. He will still be pretty out of it for a while and he might drift in and out of consciousness but that’s completely normal for coma recovery,”

The whole room sighed with relief.

 

He was going to be okay.

 

 

In a way, I was more astounded that he was in love with me that he was awake. Was that bad? I was overwhelmed by emotions. What if he loved me as a friend? Was I prepared for a relationship? What if he had just been delirious? Is doubt an emotion? It felt like it. I started panicking again. My breaths deepening and I found myself closing my eyes. Calm, calm, calm! I couldn’t do it. My breaths were so short now, I wasn’t getting any air in my system. I put my head down between my knees, trying anything to come back to normal. I had to be strong for him, not just myself anymore. There was someone more important at risk. At that thought, my breaths became more even but I still wasn’t right.

Feeling a hand on my shoulder, I looked up and saw Mark. Of course he had been keeping an eye on me. I saw his worried face and him call the nurse over. I didn’t need her, did I? Was I really that bad? Was I really troubling this many people? All I wanted to do was stop over-reacting but once I started I couldn’t stop.

Suddenly, she was there in front of me on her knees.

“Ace, trust me everything’s going to be fine. I can tell you’re still worried about him.”

How could she tell? Was it really that obvious?

“Please, listen to me. He loves you. I couldn’t help asking him between the little tests I did. He said he knew he was in love after he saved you in a coffee shop. That he had to protect you.”

He really said all that? He really loved me?

“I’m sure that he would do anything in the world for you right now. Hell, he even woke up for you. That kiss meant something to him, even if he was still unconscious. Please trust me. Everything’s going to be fine.”

Everything’s going to be fine. Everything’s going to be fine.

I slowly lifted my head. My breathing had been slowing down; it was almost back to normal. I stood up shakily and Mark gave me a hug. I shut my eyes as I almost hid in his chest. After a few seconds, I had recovered completely. I looked for the nurse to thank her, but she had already gone.

I sat down again, waiting for Jack. Now I needed to see him even more. We both had explanations for each other. Waiting made me tense, heart palpitations telling me my body felt it too.

It was an hour after my panic attack when the nurse re-entered asking who was going in first for visits. The whole room looked at me, even the people that were waiting for different patients. I nodded and practically ran towards the room.

 

Seeing him again nearly set off my waterworks. He still looked so fragile but had so much hope in his eyes, only making them sparkle more. He chuckled at the sight of me, gesturing towards the seat on the right of him. Sliding into it, I grabbed his hand again.

“I always felt this, you know? Didn’t always know who was doing it or what it was but I remember it,” he said, lifting our intertwined hands. Seeing he had more to say, I didn’t interject.

“I heard the stories, well at least some of them. I’ve lost some of the details but I think I’ve got the main grasp. How you told me about when you used to see me gazing and the ones from when you were little. How I saved your life. How I’m special. How you love me. The whole time I was fighting. I wanted to wake up and I was trying so hard. I don’t know if you could tell or anything. Most of the time it was when you said my real name, I-I felt something. I can’t describe it. It’s so horrible – being trapped in your own head. When you told me everyone was coming, I was so happy. But I couldn’t show it. When you told me you loved me, I couldn’t say it back. But I’m going to say it now. Ace Barker I love you.” He was crying by the end of it. I tried to wipe them away but he grabbed my hand and kissed it.

“You little sweetheart,” I said and took my hand back and ruffled his hair. He pretended to sulk but we both ended up laughing. He was here. I had my old Jack back.

“You know Jack, whenever I said some things you did react,”

“I did?!” he exclaimed.

“When I asked why you didn’t run when you had the chance, your heart rate increased. Not just a little bit though, by a lot. The nurse even came in.” he sat there looking proud of himself. He hadn’t even heard half of it.

“When I told you your friends were coming and I begged you to wake up, it happened again. And, you squeezed my hand.”

“Wow, I had a better grip than I thought,” he muttered, speaking half to himself and half to me.

“When I told you I loved Sean, the machines went berserk. They wouldn’t stop going off. Then everyone was looking at me and it was like they wanted me to kiss you. Of course Felix ended up blurting it out but I did it anyway. And here you are,”

He was shocked. He obviously thought he hadn’t reacted but now he knew how wrong he was.

“Well done waking me up Ace. It’s scary to think but, I don’t think I would of done it without you.”  
“We both know I wouldn’t be here right now if it wasn’t for you either, so I guess we are even.” We both giggled, but something was bothering me.

“Look Jack, I know you’ve probably just spent the past hour telling this to a policeman but, what happened in that alley?”   
He had his serious look now. He took a deep breath before starting, “We were in the crowd. I was trying to stick with you guys but I’d lost you. I went further ahead because I thought you guys might go to a point higher up so we could look for each other. I was making my way and someone grabbed me and pushed me into the path. I fell over since I hadn’t expected to be pushed towards my side so forcefully and I landed on my head so I was a bit out of it I suppose. Whoever it was pushed me against the wall and put a gun to my head. They kept throwing insults at me, telling me I didn’t deserve to live and that he knew all my dirty little secrets. He even knew about my arms. I was about to try and make a break for it but he started talking about you and Mark. About how he would kill you and torture you if I didn’t comply. All I had to do was give my life and you guys would be safe. Since I had a gun to my head I didn’t really have a choice, so I shut my eyes and waited. Waited for the bullet. But it never came because of you. I felt him release his grip, I felt the gun move away. But it was you. I saw how you struggled and tried so hard and I knew that if I ran, he would kill you in an instant. He would follow out what he said. So I stayed, so that if you got hit bad he would take me instead. I was already in love with you by then so I- it was my duty to protect you. I was ready to give my life for yours. So when he got ready to shoot again, I prepared myself. He was aiming for the head so it would be quick, no going back. But you wouldn’t stop would you? You wouldn’t let me die. I saw him fall but I heard the gun. I didn’t feel the pain, I just fell. And I heard you knocking him out. Then the real pain came as soon as you came over to me and it all just seemed so real. That I was going to die right there, in your arms. You were still trying though. After all that you still tried. So when you say you didn’t try hard enough, I don’t see a way you could have,”

“You really did hear me,” I said, it was unbelievable. It was amazing.

“I love you Sean,” I repeated. He needed to hear it again.

“I love you too Ace. I would give you the stars if I could.”  
“In a way Jack, you already have,”

 

After that, I let the other guys visit. I couldn’t hog him all to myself, even if we were in love. By the time everyone had visited, it was time to leave. They didn’t even let me say goodnight.

A bit disappointed we all went home and got ready to rest. It had been an emotional day. I was in bed, ready for sleep but it didn’t come. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. He woke up for me. He woke up because of me and me alone. No one else could have done it. If I hadn’t of made that move, would he still be here? Would I eventually have been given the choice to pull the plug?

 

I didn’t want to think about it. All I wanted was sleep. But I didn’t wake up restful in the morning.

 

“Ace, why did you have to go?”

All I could see was Jack weeping on the floor, curled up in the foetal position. It shattered my heart, to see him like that. I tried to speak but my voice was gone. I couldn’t make a sound. I ran over to him, to comfort him but I couldn’t touch him.

It was like I didn’t exist anymore.

 

“Why couldn’t you of just talked to me? I thought you loved me!”

He was screaming for me now. He needed me, and I was useless. Why couldn’t I do anything? Again and again, I tried to speak, I tried to hold him but nothing worked. It felt like forever. I was sat there for hours doing nothing but watching him cry and become broken. He became more and more dishevelled over time, his tears soaking through his clothes. He was breaking, falling, drowning.

 

It was my entire fault, but there was nothing I could do.

 

I shot up to see Mark sat on the edge of my bed. In an instant, I was in tears and he was there comforting me and rubbing circles in my back. I guess Mark had wanted to look after me and figured I would have a bad dream after today’s panic attack. I was there whimpering in his arms for what felt like hours. I needed Jack, but as always I couldn’t have him. He was stuck in hospital. Was he all right? What if he had turned worse in the night?

I had to find out, only that would put me at ease.

 

I gestured towards the phone and Mark handed me his. I dialled in the hospital’s number, which over the past few days I had memorised, and waited for someone to pick up.

“Hello this is Royal Athlone Hospital with Maddie speaking. How may I help you?”  
“Hi Maddie. I was wondering if Sean Mcloughlin’s status had changed since the visiting hours. I’m his girlfriend and I just need some reassurance. My name is Ace Barker I’ve been a frequent visitor the past few days.”

“He’s asleep at the moment but everything’s fine. He’s recovering well. Is that all you needed?”

“Yes thanks.”

 

I sighed in relief. Stupid dreams, he was fine.

 

And if he was fine, so was I.


	8. A Happy Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A happy ending. The couple at peace.

Waiting. That was all we could do now, just wait for Jack to pass the tests. When he was given the all clear, he could go home. Eventually, the others had to go back, but Felix and Mark stayed a bit longer. Since it was only and infection affected his blood that caused the coma, rather than an injury, the infection cleared up which resulted in no coma. This meant that Jack could pass the tests quickly and he could come home. I was so relieved.

We got home late but everyone was relaxed. Jack was healthy and we were all safe. It had been a nightmare week for everyone, but behind every storm is a rainbow. I finally had Jack. Really, to me that was all that mattered. We were about to go to bed when Jack kept behind whilst Felix and Mark went upstairs.

“Do you think you’ll have a nightmare? I really don’t have the energy to calm you down tonight,”

I thought to myself, I really had no idea.

“It’s not really something I can tell is going to happen,” I said to him.

He was itching to ask a question, I could tell.

“Do you think sleeping with me would calm you down at all?” he whispered, a big grin on his face. I smiled knowing I had cheeky Jack back. I nodded slightly and he took my hand. We walked up the stairs and I went to my room to get changed. After a few minutes or so, I walked into Jack’s room, which I had tidied yesterday so that he could come home to somewhere tidy. I could tell that he was having trouble looking for something. I giggled and showed him where his pyjamas were. He looked a little embarrassed before pulling some pants off and into his en suite. He came out topless with bottoms on. Scared of my face becoming red, I hid under the bed covers. I heard him chuckling before he tiptoed over and ripped the covers off. I shrieked in surprise before he kissed me again. He is an idiot but I love him for it.

After lots of time spent kissing and cuddling, I turned on my side away from him. He turned on his own side and shifted towards me, kissing my back.

“Goodnight, Ace,”

“’Night Sean,” I could feel him smiling into my back as I said his name.

 

Instead of a nightmare, that night I had a soppy lovey dream about raising a family with Jack. In fact, it was so cheesy I’m not going to describe it.

Imagine the cringe for yourself ;)

 

The days from there were mostly the same. Felix left quietly to go back home followed by Mark a day later, who seemed very reluctant to leave. I couldn’t stop seeing how much he was looking at Jack. However, they were both confident that we would be all right now that we had each other. It was amazing to know that Jack’s friends trusted me so much. I guess it was obvious how much I love him.

 

Months Later.

 

Jack and I were sat on the same beach we had sat on with Mark just before Jack had gotten shot. This time however, I was sat on his lap staring at the infinite sea whilst he played with my hair. It was such an adorable thing, to see him mesmerised by something so simple, so I let him do it. That day the wind was cold, biting at our sides but Jack always found a way to keep me warm.

“Ace?” he asked.

“Yeah?” I replied looking at him.

“I’ve got to tell you something. It’s probably something I should have done a while ago. Ace, you’re the top of my deck. My winning card. We’ve been there for each other so much the past year and I’ve fallen so fricken hard. You mean everything to me and without you I wouldn’t be here today. It is an absolute treat to wake up to your beautiful face every morning and to steal a kiss from you. I love you so much Ace Barker. I don’t think I could ever love anyone else as much as you. I am the luckiest man in the world and I can’t believe I have the honour of calling you my girlfriend. So,” he said gently pushing me off of him so that he could stand up when he bent down to get on one knee.

He’s not really doing this, is he?

“Ace Barker. I love you more than the stars that first pulled us together. Will you marry me?”

I breathed in sharply. Oh my god, I thought, he really is doing this!

“Yes! God Jack I love you so much!” I said jumping into his arms as he stood back up.

 

I was so happy that day, I couldn’t stop smiling and staring at the ring on my finger. He had chosen a gold ring that had a single diamond, cut like a star. I loved it. I loved it, I loved him. There was nothing that could go wrong.

 

Jack and I are married now and have 2 kids, twins. We are happier than we ever were. Our depression is far behind us. I’m still friends with Clarisse but I am much closer to Jack’s YouTube friends. I even started my own channel. I miss Mark sometimes but Jack and I are going to PAX Prime this year to visit.

 

I’m not alone anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If someone is here at the end...thank you!
> 
> I know this isn't great but I wrote this for my DeviantArt account before uploading it here, that's why suddenly there are LOADS of parts. Literally I have just been a horrible person and not uploaded.
> 
> Thanks for all the kudos! Love ya!


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